either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize