i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
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He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
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I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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