My underwear smells like fireworks.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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