my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
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I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
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You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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