He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
