I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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