Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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