The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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