I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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