I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
