i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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