saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
