I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
