if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
