i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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