Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
