I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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