____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
