dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
