is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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