Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
