Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you inspire me to be a worse person
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
