On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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