i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
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He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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