I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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