you're like a bully in the Christmas story
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
