There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
