I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
