i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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