running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
