Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
