Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
