I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
