I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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