I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
