My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
