And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
