Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
