I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
