so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
