All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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