wrigley field is MILF paradise
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
