Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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