So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize
