I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
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You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
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And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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