Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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