proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
