I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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