i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
