So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
