It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We are all done wearing pants today
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
