it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
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No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body