Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
