Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
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Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Houston, we have a blender
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
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How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.