I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask