Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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