I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
