This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
