so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
