if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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