So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
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My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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