It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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