all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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